tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 18, 2016 11:50pm-12:53am EST
let's pretend i spun it! >> tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: five second saxophone solo, hit it, eddy! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: more news! "a recent study!" again. a recent study says humans and neanderthals interbred 50,000 years earlier than previously thought, proving something else is 50,000 years older than we thought: beer goggles. (laughter) want to try? we're going for entertainment. >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick...
tick... tick... tick, tick... >> stephen: i've gone around all the way once. i don't think it's on here! >> ding! >> stephen: there it is! entertainment! (cheers and applause) the oscar producers are now promising that this telecast will be "the most diverse ever." that's right, people of every race, color, and creed will be on hand to give a trophy to whatever white person wins. (laughter) >> stephen: well, that's it, folks! let's give it one more spin! it better be on here! i don't know! (cheers and applause) there it is! ready? oh! commercial break! perfect! we'll be right back with teéa
leoni! this is a gay car.car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small. this car doesn't care what you call it. ♪ yeah?cell phone vibrates. (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alec baldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi. baldwin threw his shoe at
photographers before making a run for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning) ...alec? got two jobs to pay a mortgage,, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain. this turkyeah. natural? it's too good to be true. don't say that. it's called the 60 second six pack. it's called the abinator. it's called the pulsator. (buzzing sound) (groans) finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great.
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>> stephen: welcome back. (cheers and applause) welcome back! my first guest is a star of television and film, who now plays the lead role in the cbs drama "madam secretary." please welcome, teéa leoni! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: lovely to have you on! lovely to have you here. >> thank you! >> stephen: that's some lovely bling you've got there. >> thank you. it's all real. >> stephen: i thought it was a dollar bill. i couldn't quite tell what that symbol was there. well, congratulations on "madam secretary." >> thank you. >> stephen: no secret to owe, when a lot of people see this, they think she's playing hillary
clinton. >> yes. >> stephen: secretary of state, blonde. >> blonde. >> stephen: powerful. blonde. >> stephen: yes. people think that. >> they do, but i promise you, i -- i didn't have hillary in mind. >> stephen: really? i think she maybe had hillary in mind. i'll prove it to you. we had her on a couple of months ago and this is what she said. roll the clip. >> stephen: what do you binge like? >> do i like "madam secretary." >> stephen: you do. i do. >> stephen: don't just say that because it's a cbs show. >> no, because i watch "madam secretary" and i watch "good wife." >> i would be lying if i said i didn't play that clip over and over again. >> stephen: have you learned anything about the state department playing this role? >> glee because people don't think about the state department a lot. it's part of the government we forget about. >> i think that's true and actually i think maybe the greatest compliment i got was
from madeleine albright former secretary of state which said thank you for making foreign policy less foreign. >> stephen: wow. i took it -- (cheers and applause) and i think that's somewhat true. >> stephen: she consults on the show, right? >> well, she was on the show, yes. and we got some stories out of her that were pretty great. >> stephen: does she think what you're doing is accurate? >> well, sometimes she gets a little mad at me. >> stephen: for what? just for, you know, not doing it right. (laughter) >> stephen: what are you doing wrong? that's not how i would ask for a drone strike! (laughter) what are you doing wrong? >> oh, gosh, i don't know. she's very picky, you know. she was secretary of state. she knows the gig and -- >> stephen: you don't get that gig without -- >> -- and she'll say, no, that would never happen. >> stephen: what have you done that would never happen?
>> oh, i have been blown up, already, season one. >> stephen: well, you look fabulous! >> thank you. >> stephen: you're also a mother. >> yes. >> stephen: would you rather negotiate as secretary of state with vladimir putin or with teenagers? because they can be like terrorists. (laughter) >> yes, it's true. i think i could negotiate with putin because i have teenagers. (applause) >> stephen: they're relentless. >> yes. i have a 13-year-old boy. putin's a breeze. >> stephen: exactly. yeah. >> stephen: i understand that your son sort of convinced you to take this gig. he said, mom, you've got to go get out of the house or what was it? (laughter) >> i hadn't worked in a few years and he said, you know, i've got this -- he's 12 at the time -- >> stephen: i'd like you to leave. >> yes. >> stephen: in essence, it
was, listen, go back, get out there, you know? >> stephen: i want this for you, mom! >> yes! and i took that as i thought that was a very beautiful moment between us and i said, okay, here i go! you know, and i did. i returned. you know, you have your ups and your downs. it's hard. you work these kind of hours and -- actually, i thought it was going very well, i will tell you this, until halloween, and my son, i said, so, baby, what are you going to be for halloween? he's not too old. he said, i'm going to be an old-fashioned lobster. (laughter) and the first thought, i thought, that's creative, that's good. i thought, oh, my god, i'm not there! he's smoking dope! (laughter) , like, this is a disaster! and this rage of guilt, like, i'm always working and clearly
it's probably coke! (laughter) and i'm thinking and then i'm running and driving home and running it through my mind -- an old fashioned lobster, there will be the oven mits, that part's obvious. what's the rest of this thing going to be? and i walked in and he was an old fashioned mobster! (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: did you tell him you thought lobber? >> no. >> stephen: no? don't ever tell him you thought lobster. >> i won't and he's not watching because he's not impressed. >> stephen: good. he's going to go, is she smoking dope? (laughter) stick around, i'd love to talk to you a little bit more. we'll be right back with more teéa leoni. ♪ (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: we're back with the lovely and talented teéa leoni! (cheers and applause) i understand one week from tonight you are turning 50 years old. congratulations. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: what? i'm turning 59. >> stephen: you're turning 59 years old? wow! wow! well, i mean, still congratulations, but -- i mean you look great for any age, but amazing! (laughter) >> here's the thing... i've figured out that women lie about their age. you should not lie about your age. but they lie the wrong way! (laughter) >> stephen: are you not going to turn 59? >> no. >> stephen: you're actually turning 50? >> maybe. my point is --
>> stephen: so the point is -- if you lie like women going the wrong way -- >> stephen: so, say i'm turning 40. >> well, if you're turning 40, you look like crap. (laughter) >> stephen: yes. and if i say, i'm turning 59, people are like, wow! you look pretty good for 59! >> stephen: well you look pretty good for any age! (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: did i understand your plan was not to be an actress that this was sort of a happy accident, that you were going to be an anthropologist? >> yes. >> stephen: there is a lot of different anthropology. were you going to study native peoples? >> yes! >> stephen: really? and i was very, very good at it. >> stephen: you were good at anthropology? >> i was good at it. >> stephen: oh, man, i have the anthropology game down! i can deal! do you want to anthropolojize? >> let's do it. >> stephen: i totally get your
tribal crap! >> you are so wrong! >> stephen: what kind of anthropology? >> well, yes, that sort of classic anthropology. i was doing it in college, i was very good at it. >> stephen: so why didn't you go for it? >> i was going to go for it and then my dad said to me, before you become an anthropologist, you should go to a cocktail party with a bunch of anthropologists. (laughter) >> stephen: what does that mean? >> that was my first thought. then it hit me and i thought, oh! you know, academics -- no offense -- but it was sort of -- i wasn't really cut out -- >> stephen: so you went to a cocktail party? how did you find one? (laughter) there is no craigslisting for anthropologists. so you hunted down these people -- >> no, i got it. i knew what he meant. i was mad because i thought i
found it. >> stephen: so your fall-back position was actress? that was the safe choice? >> no, that was just a little trick i played on my dad. but i think the advice that he gave me, he said, don't do something because you're good at it. do it because you're passionate about it and you will get good at it. and that was really smart. that was great advice. (cheers and applause) so i don't know, i mean, i still to this day -- >> stephen: yep. i didn't think i would make a better anthropologist than an actor. >> stephen: yeah? give me a favorite not your culture that you grew up in that interests you. >> the tiwi indians of new guinea. >> stephen: i knew immediately, yeah, yeah. (laughter) you would have been an extremely sexy anthropologist. >> wow! >> stephen: you really would have. >> thank you. >> stephen: you could have played yourself later. (laughter) teéa, thank you so much for beig
here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: been a pleasure. thank you guys. >> stephen: "madam secretary" airs sundays at 8:00, 7:00 central on cbs. teéa leoni is 73 years old, everybody! we'll be right back! ♪ with advil, you'll ask what backache? what sore wrist? what headache? what bad shoulder? advil makes pain a distant memory. nothing works faster stronger or longer than advil it's the world's #1 choice. what pain? advil. don'go see my big fatake windowgreek wedding 2clear! and learn how to use windex the right way on weird stuff! not on windows! who's got tickets?
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♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is now starring in "togetherness" on hbo. (baby crying) >> what happened! what is this? oh, god. (screaming) >> stephen: please welcome amanda peet! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what an amazingly beautiful dress. >> thank you. >> stephen: it looks like it's stitched together with flowers. it's amazing. >> it's like a big quilt. a big doily. >> stephen: it's lovely. yeah, i should just stop talking. >> stephen: no, you have to
keep talking for the next seven minutes. >> right. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan of yours and i really love the show. >> i'm a huge fan of yours. >> stephen: that's very nice. we can keep this up for the next seven minutes and i will be happy as a clam. >> bore everyone to death. >> stephen: you have kids of your own. >> i have three kids which is sort of like three million kids. >> stephen: are you going to go for a fourth? >> what! >> stephen: you're already in zone defense. you're already maximally inconvenienced, so go for a fourth. >> no! i'm 44 years old. i'm actually 44. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tee stay 85 years old! >> wow! she looks hot! >> stephen: she moisturizes! amazing! gotta get some of that! >> no, there's no more time to have any more children. >> stephen: you just had a one-year-old. >> and by the skin of his teeth he made it here!
he's a miracle baby. >> stephen: skin of your teeth is not how you make a baby. (laughter) i don't want to shock anybody. i'll write it down for you. see, you get the thing and thing goes like that, yeah, that's how it works. that's exactly how it works. kind of works that way. anyyin way, we'll have this up on the web site later. (laughter) just click the "i'm over 18" button. i didn't know. you could have adopted. i don't know. >> i have a really bad cough. >> stephen: do you want a ricola? >> sure! >> stephen: ricola! (laughter) there you go. you know, you could just tear off part of your dress. (laughter) (applause) there you go. i haven't touched it. there you go. there you go. glamour. >> what happened? >> stephen: we're just having
fun! we're just having fun! (blowing noise) (laughter) >> stephen: your illustrious husband is one of the creators of "game of thrones." >> yes. >> stephen: do you ever want to be on that show? >> yes, i do. >> stephen: i want to be on that show, too. >> are you serious? >> stephen: i haven't watched much, i'm reading the books. i'm saving it till i read all of it. my kid was in the room and i said, i can't watch that. what do you want to be on the show? >> a swordswoman. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) >> what do you want to be? >> stephen: i want to die a really horrific death! >> me, too! >> stephen: i want to die like this, going, please, my lord, no! >> with blood gurgling. >> stephen: blood gurgling out of my body. >> should we do it? >> stephen: we could fight together on the show. >> and maybe david would put you on the show. >> stephen: that would be fun.
can you die with an english accent? >> stephen: please, me lord! that's good (applause) >> stephen: that's good enough, come on! you're on another hbo show called "togetherness." i love that show. your character, a lot of these people are in mid-life crises in their 40s. >> yes. >> stephen: you have a lovely life. what do you know from the mid-life crisis. is this a stretch for you? >> no! >> stephen: you don't look like a person in crisis to me. >> i -- you know, 44 is really -- it's quite something. how come all the women on the show are talking about their ages tonight? >> stephen: i don't know (laughter) so what was your crisis? >> well, it's ongoing. >> stephen: i'm catching you mid crisis right now? >> yes. but you know how some men hit middle age and get a motorcycle?
well, i had a baby. >> stephen: okay. henry is my little motorcycle. >> stephen: that's lovely. he keeps me -- >> stephen: what do you worry about? mid life crisis -- >> i fear death. >> stephen: death? yes. >> stephen: okay. well, we all die. >> right. >> stephen: keep it light. we all die. (laughter) it's a late-night talk show, keep it light. maybe you will die and go to heaven. >> that's where i need help because you're catholic and i'm jewish so we're the same. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, catholics are the jews of christianity. (laughter) (applause) >so what do you sneed? i need to know what to believe in. >> stephen: what happens when you die? >> yes, i don't want to be a bag of dust! i want to haunt my children!
you're marrying who?! you did what?! like that, i want david and laura to be ghosts -- >> stephen: like beetle juice! (laughter) i don't know what happens. i kind of want the perily gates and all that. >> that's what i want! >> stephen: i want classic. give me classic coke heaven is what i want. >> yes. >> stephen: i had a dream that i died and i go to heaven and this really happened, i go to heaven and heaven, instead of crossing the river, you had to cross a really nice hollywood pool and a row boat pulled by dwayne the rock johnson! (applause) (laughter) and all i could think about is i was worried do they have diet coke in heaven? because i really have a diet coke problem. >> this is really not inspirational. >> stephen: not helping?
this is lovely. so nice to have you here. please come again when you're feeling well. (laughter) can i shake your hand and put some purelle on it? (laughter) >> stephen: season two of "togetherness" premieres this sunday on hbo. amanda peet, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers and applause) unlimited soup or salad starting at just $6.99 think of it as a quesadilla that speaks fluent italian olive garden the nissan rogue. with the power and performance of our intuitive all-wheel drive.
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♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is one of america's leading canine comedians, now re-inventing himself as a political commentator. >> hey, one question! over here! senator ! is it true you tried to shut down the government so you could go to a nickerback concert? >> no way!
all right, i'm never going to get to thism/vt i've got a better idea. (laughter) up here! you can't wait forever! >> stephen: please welcome triumph, the insult comic dog. (cheers and applause) >> thank you very much! thank you! thank you! >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> it's my pleasure! how's the show going? >> stephen: well, haven't you been watching it? >> oh, i'm sorry. i was backstage. i do it every time. i got it from bill mar.
>> stephen: thank you. i'm hulu, ladies and gentlemen! hulu! (applause) >> all your favorite network shows with all your favorite commercials as well! hulu! >> stephen: you've got great reviews! >> i've gotten amazing reviews! >> stephen: fantastic reviews. incredible, everywhere! >> stephen: is it because the show's good or are you bribing these guys? >> wait a minute! after i get a great review, i send a nice critic a photo from my stash of dog porn. >> stephen: you've sent these photos to critics who said nice things about you? this is somebody from the new york star ledger. >> alan steanwolf. he was great. >> stephen: here's from a
blorg. >> yes, the decider. it was an excellent review. >> stephen: this one you said judd ap apatow -- >> he said my show was hilarious. >> stephen: you're trying to be an honest-to-god journalist now? >> exactly. >> stephen: you're covering the campaign as if you were a journalist. >> yes. >> stephen: but the jokes you're doing are pretty low brow. >> really! just think, millions of tvs are tuned in to the show now because the whole show fell asleep during elementary. >> stephen: you've gotten into the race a little late than other people. are there any other people who have dropped out of the race who you miss? >> yes, i interacted with a lot of them in the special but since then chris christie's dropped out. i'm sorry about that. >> stephen: yes, last week. i'm worried. now that he's not running for
president. i'm worried chris christie might let himself go. (laughter) even though he's out of the race, he still has a $100,000 a plate dinner scheduled. tomorrow at denny's by himself! (laughter) that's a joke i don't make anymore. that's a new journalist >> stephen: what about carly. i never got to meet carly face to face. >> stephen: what about sanders? >> bernie 2016, that's crazy. the man doesn't look a year over 2000! >> stephen: doesn't seem like you're taking this job seriously. have you done your research. >> are you kidding me?! have i not done my research? uh do you realize i went to
iowa, new hampshire, i studied every candidate, read every one of their books. >> stephen: every book? every book. would you like to see them? >> stephen: yes, i would. here's a book i read. i read donald trump, he's making history with his updated new book pride and prejudice now with more prejudice by donald trump. (applause) florida governor jeb bush. he still hopes he will be the next president of 1600 penn. read about his vision for the country in leading to courage -- you're not going to show it? his vision for the country, leading to courage, america, freedom, future (bleep). i'm jeb bush! i did my research! let no one say i did not do my research!
carolina, give it up for the one, the only james corden! >> james: thank you very, very much. thank you. good evening. welcome to this, your "late, late show." thanks for being here, guys. thank you so much. cheers. thank you for being here. and ladies and gentlemen, while advicitying mexico yesterday pope francis stated that he did not think that donald trump is a true christian because of trump's belief on immigration. i know you're thinking there goes the pope's chances on being the next season of celebrity apprentice. do you know how wrong you have to be for a pope to dislike you. i mean the pope's entire thing
is lit reallily forgiveness. pope john paul hung out with the guy who tried to assassinate him and now pope francis is like, i can't with this trump guy. i can't. trump fired back saying the pope will wish donald trump were president if the vatican is ever attacked. i have to say, the on time i think people will wish trump was president is if ted cruz is president. (laughter) but it's really not hard to pick a side in this feud. (applause) it isn't hard to pick a side in this feud. in fact, i think this is the first time even atheists are like, you're going to-- you know i'm going to take the pope's side. a in a historic move, he also suggested that it might be acceptable to use con tra ception in order to prevent the spread of the zika virus. and that's not surprising to me because once you start debating with donald trump, birth control
starts to seem like a pretty good idea. but trump is clearly getting under the pope's skin. because earlier in the week the pope actually got angry when someone pulled his robe at an event and caused him to cash into a man in a wheelchair, right. and we have footage of him falling. and you can actually pinpoint thek exact moment when pope francis forgets that he's the pope. there, there it is. right there. that's when he went from pope francis to pope frankie. you couldn't hear the dialogue in the video but i'm guessing it's probably something like what the frick, man. you stinken joking me pushing me into this ding dang guy in a wheelchair? i mean what the fuj. i meerch he was annoyed but i will say what is crazy is that right after the pope got off him, the guy in the wheelchair
was able to walk. it is a miracle. it is a "late, late show" miracle. shall we have a look and see who our guests are on the show tonight? one of the actors you know from community and the brilliant new series "love," the incredibly talented gillian jacobs is here. how are you? >> i'm so well. thank you for having me. >> james: nice to sigh. are you well? >> i'm very well, i would say, better than well. >> james: that's good. are we better than well. >> we're well good. >> james: you're better than well, he's well good. it looks like it's going very well am gillian jacobs, everybody. in the purple roomk we have one of the stars of comedy central's workaholics and the new movie how to be single, he's so funny, so strapping, so wonderful, on anders holm is here tonight. (applause) >> hey. >> james: how are you? >> pretty good. >> james: what was that, what. >> hollywood breathe mints.
>> james: oh, really. >> next level. >> james: so you don't swallow them, you just projectile them out and your breathe smells incredible. >> that's hollywood. >> james: we disn know it would be this new, thank you for being here, anders holm, everybody. and in the red room tonight, he is a yahoo global news anchor. she's america's sweetheart, we're so happy that she's here. the one, the only, katie couric is here tonight. (applause) >> hi, jaims, how are you. >> james: very, very well. i'm slightly worried that you are here again. because i seem to remember this. the last time katie was here, things went a little bit wrong for me personally. we can remind everyone of it right now. katie did this. [bleep]. >> up here, james.
>> james: i mean, you have nothing planned tonight, right? >> nothing planned. honestly, every time i watch that clip i feel so bad. because i feel like you really almost had a heart attack. and i wanted to milk it a little bit longer. >> james: did you. >> but i thought you might pass out. >> james: yes. well, i hope there is nothing planned. thanks for being here. katie couric, everybody. all right, reg, you ready to do. this he's reggie watts, i'm james corden. and this is the "late, late show," roll the titles. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ♪ the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show, ooh ♪ the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show ♪ oh, oh the late, late show ♪
♪ the "late, late show" ♪ >> james: also later on the snow show we have got a real treat coming up, has everyone seen this huge movie deadpool, the biggest move ye in the world right now. after the break we have a big sketch with mr. deadpool himself. mr. ryan reynolds. coming right up. but first i want to you to about something. i saw this thing online today. and i can't get over it. i see reg, are you a prince fan, a fan of prince, i'm talking about the prince, not just the random son of a king and a queen. >> yeah, mega. you played with prince, right. did you, when did you play with him. >> in paris. >> james: in paris. >> yes. >> james: with prince. >> yeah. >> james: an look where it took you. >> yes. do you know what i mean. >> james: so this thing came out today with prince. his passport, he just got a new passport photo. and someone shared it on
twitter, recently. and it does not disappoint. it basically looks exactly what you would imagine prince's passport photo looks like, in your head, right. so i've got it here. look at that. for a passport photo. you have ever-- it is majestic. like i know you're not meant to smile but that doesn't mean you should be allowed to exude that much sexual energy. the picture from a passport to like a lifetime membership to the mile high club. he's on the no fly list, he's on the two-fly list. look at his facial hair. imagine how long that takes am look at his faiks hair, reg, look at that, just around the lips, not even here, just like a hairy lip liner. >> reggie: it's vaguely there. >> james: yeah. >> reggie: like a brazilian for your face. >> james: does prince even need a passport? i feel like he could just walk
on to a plane and they will be like hey, we were going to cincinnati, but where do you want to go. where do you want to be? you know what i mean. this got us thinking. we were looking at this and we thought every celebrity needs a passport some of we did some digging. we actually found a few more celebrity passport photos to show you. this is-- here's bernie sanders right there, there he is. it's actually got a stamp from the titanic. this is taylor swift a passport, just there. (laughter) we wanted to-- (applause). >> james: we actually wanted to show you kayne's passport as well but you can only see it on tidal. we did manage to get our hands on beyonce's passport. here it is there. that is not actually a gif, it is a still image. your eyes are making it do that. finally it wouldn't be fair to
>> i love that. i love that, reg strks some phenomenal moves, what just happened. >> reggie: it felt lawrence welshish. >> james: there it is, now guys as you probably all know marvel's deadpool is such a huge success and smashed all sorts of box office records. yesterday the star of the film ryan reynolds came on our show to talk about it. i took the opportunity to pitch some thoughts of my own about how to make it even better let's take a look. >> yo. there he is. king of the screen. i'm good, how are you doing?
>> what can i do for you? >> well, it's actually not what you can do for me, it's what i can do for you. listen, everything that is happening, deadpool. >> crazy. >> james: huge, right, it's incredible. i watched it. i loved it. i couldn't help but feel it's missing something. side kick. >> deadpool doesn't really have a side kick. deadpool is sort av solo act. >> james: that is what is weird about. everything watching, i'm loving the film, but where the side kick, every superhero has a side kick. superman. >> doesn't have one. >> james: spiderman. >> no. >> james: sea biscuit with a jockey, so that in turn makes it a side kick. >> the movie is already out. one of the biggest openings in marvel history. >> james: one of the biggest openings, yawn.com. i'm saying let's take this to the next level.